Decision

So Malawi is the only option. It is the job I was hired for, and is where the need is greatest. I met with members of the administration, and was told that, although they respect my concerns, and recognize that the situation on the ground is uncertain, that they do not believe we will be put in harm's way (except, of course, for the inherent risks associated with moving to the developing world). I was urged to call and speak to people on the ground in Malawi, especially those with children, and was given the cell phone number of the medical director of the hospital in Lilongwe, who spoke kindly and at length with me about his thoughts and opinions.
Dave and I spent most of yesterday sequestered in our hotel room, crying and incredulous, on the phone with the administrators at Baylor and with friends in Global Health while the children sat outside watching cartoons and rapidly losing IQ points. We had a long conversation with a doctor who works for Partners in Hope, the organization that will be employing Dave. He has three children, ages 6, 3, and 4 months. He said that, while we may be deterred by the prospect of daily life in Lilongwe, with it's power outages and poverty, that he would definitely not let the events that have transpired in the last few days be our deciding factor. He told us that, driving home from the clinic, which is in a very poor and
overpopulated area, he did have rocks thrown at his car, but that when he arrived at his home
his kids were outside climbing trees and people were walking freely in the neighborhood. He said that his 6 year old had heard the gunshots, and asked him if "the people were still fighting", but that neither the children nor his wife felt afraid or threatened.
I feel physically sick. I am nauseous, and I feel like my body is humming. I cannot imagine that my choices are either to go into a place that seems suddenly so politically unstable, or go home. Actually, my home is rented out, so we would be both jobless and homeless, and have to start all over. We chose Malawi because it has historically been so safe. How did it go so wrong, so fast?
A some point yesterday, and maybe it was the Xanex, I began to feel peace. I have felt from
the beginning that this was what we were meant to do, and the worries that I have had along the way (money, nanny, health insurance) have largely sorted themselves out almost despite my obsessive ruminating. Maybe the reason that this is the only path that I am being given is because it is the one that I am meant to take. Then again, maybe not. Maybe this is
empirically the stupidest decision we will ever make. That's the problem with faith.
So on Monday I will meet with the people at Baylor, and I will ask them to help us hire a driver for the first month (or longer, if necessary), so that we are able to get the lay of the land and feel that we are in good hands should there be more demonstrations or riots. I will ask what the criteria are for pulling docs out of the country ( they have had to do this before, and are reputedly conservative compared to other organizations). And I will remember that this is the reality of life for most of the world: disease, political unrest, and poverty. I will try to integrate this tremendous new uncertainty into my view of life in
Malawi, and try to take precautions to ensure the safety of my family, as we do with vaccines and malaria prophylaxis. I will try to count on the fact that, as foreigners, we are usually spared from the true hardships and dangers of life in the developing world. I will scour
the news for developments and register with the embassy right away. I will pray to the god that I have historically had such ambivalence about. I will try to have faith. And, if I ever feel that I or my family is threatened in any way, I will leave.